In teaching the Five Doors of the Heart, I talk to all ages about critically evaluating what we see, hear, say and touch. Each “door” is an avenue to the heart, contributing to who we become. But the Door of the Breath is special, set apart from the Doors of the Eyes, Ears, Mouth and Skin. Because this door deals with how we honor everything that lives and breathes, it’s sometimes perceived as a little more abstract that the others, requiring a discussion of honor and respect and how we do or don’t display those virtues.

I was delighted to see a post on Facebook this week that portrayed a young man who guarded his heart via the Door of the Breath in a sensational way. A quarterback on his high school football team, he choose not to ask the lead cheerleader or some other high school popularity queen to be his prom date. Instead, he kept a promise that he had made in fourth grade. Ben invited a young lady with Down syndrome to whom he had been a gentle friend and guardian angel.

She doesn’t even go to his school anymore. She was planning to go to the prom with girlfriends. But Ben remembered his promise and was happy to keep it, saying that it was the right thing to do.

Ben has a virtuous heart. He deeply respects Mary. And he set aside the common goal of choosing someone for whom he had romantic intentions or who “matched” his position at school to escort his dear friend to a milestone occasion in her life. From the interviews, it looks like he didn’t even think twice about it.
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How many young men do you know like this? What would the world be like if we all returned to such standards of honor? Look into this guy’s eyes. Does he look like he’s doing this out of obligation? Not a trace.

Just read the story and look at the pictures. This is the kind of son we want to raise. This is the kind of man we want our daughters to marry. This is the kind of man a women wants to be married to.

People wrongly associate purity with simple sexual self-control. But I look at the pictures of Ben and Mary, and there’s no doubt about what purity REALLY is. See it? It’s in these young people’s eyes, and it comes from their hearts. What a treasure. I’m delighted to feature this story and these two special people in my blog today.

Links to read more about Ben and Mary’s story:

http://www.etonline.com/news/164440_a_high_school_quarterback_took_his_friend_with_down_syndrome_to_prom_7_years_after_promising_he_would/

http://www.today.com/news/high-school-qb-fulfills-prom-promise-girl-down-syndrome-t20971

http://fox8.com/2015/05/14/promise-kept-high-school-quarterback-escorts-friend-with-down-syndrome-to-prom/

Failure is part of how we learn. The earlier we come to terms with that, the better we’ll do. The quicker we learn to brush ourselves off, make restitution, and move on, the quicker we’ll find a better option.

As a parent, it’s not always easy, though. Watching your child fail is painful. And as they get older, there’s a tendency to take it personally. DON’T. Your child is still learning and so are you. (If you’re not experiencing failures any longer, let me know—I’d like to hear how you tell THAT story.)

Thus, it’s easy to see our kids do something surprising, disappointing, or outright wrong and think they’ve gone off the deep end—or WE have. We’ve failed as parents, they’ve failed as our children … and in no area is this more important than in the pursuit of purity.

What if your child “fails”? What if they look at porn, send a sext, sneak out of the house, get drunk (while they’re underage), have premarital sex? Chances are, they will. In our culture, it’s very rarely a question of “if.”

So when your angelic child totally changes things up, remind yourself that they are learning. It will help you calm down and not take it personally. Then take a deep breath, and DON’T say …

1.     “I can’t believe you did this!” Really? Maybe you’ve been raising something other than a human being. People are curious. One of your repeated “nos” may likely result in some kind of “I wonder if it’s really that bad” curiosity. And some personalities just have to touch the stove because they’re not sure it’s TRULY hot and will send them to the ER for burn treatment. And burn treatment, though painful, is a powerful lesson learned.

2.     “How could you?” Again, congratulations. You have a real human on your hands. They could because they so wanted to know what it was like. They wanted to experience it. Isn’t that what real living is? Pretty valuable in a low-touch, high-tech culture, even if the results aren’t what we expect. And those results teach a lesson when we seek to engage and talk it over.

3.     Scream, yell and curse. Reinforces the popular belief that parents are crazy or know very little. Breathe. Walk away. Explain that you need to get your emotions in check before you say more. Remind yourself that the same tiny, innocent baby you brought home is still in there somewhere.

4.     Say nothing. Only if you want them to think you condone their behavior, or don’t care. Your child needs and wants your input. Believe it or not, studies show that your child would rather hear the truth from you than any other source. Now is your chance! Seek to understand and then instruct.

5.     “Don’t you have a brain in your head?!” Yes, they do! And it’s probably developing normally. Give it some time. The pre-frontal cortex is still finishing up its development at 24 or 25.

At the point when your child does something hard for you to handle, remember: this is your greatest opportunity to do something positive for them. Not that there won’t be consequences. But there should be mature conversation first, led by a (supposedly mature) adult who is holding back on the emotion and seeking to understand.

And by the way, I can only write this post because I’ve said ALL these wrong things. 52 and still failing. Still learning.

AND NOW:

Some right things:

“I’m really proud of you for being honest enough to tell me.”

“I can see you’re really curious about that. Let’s make some time to talk about it.”

“Wow, that’s intense. I’m not sure what to say except to remind you that I love you no matter what. Can you tell me about what happened?” (Never assume you know exactly what happened. You almost never do.)

“You’re mature enough to be ready to learn about this. Can you tell me what you know and what you’d like to know?”

And the no-brainer: “I love you. Always. No matter what.”