I am reading the delightful book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs for the second time, something I almost never do when it comes to books I read for self-help. I believe his coining of the phrase “unconditional respect” is groundbreaking and a key factor in healthy marriages, including my own.

We’ve often heard of “unconditional love.” In fact, I’ve learned that if love is conditional, it really isn’t love at all. It simply makes for a shaky relationship of convenience. Once feelings cool or certain expectations aren’t met, all bets are off. That’s why marriage is a covenant relationship of unconditional love—it’s not meant to be broken. As two bags of sand are poured together and the grains cannot be sorted again, so is marriage meant to be a promise we keep, for better or for worse, in sickness or in health.

That’s a hard promise. But we can make it easier. As wives, a huge key is practicing unconditional respect.

That means just what it says. No excuses. Many of us respond quickly with words like, “How can I respect him when he …?” And truly, if we are in circumstances where abuse is involved, separation may be necessary, at least for a time. But even if separated, we are required to respect. That’s our part of the covenant, and part of our responsibility as people of faith.
Our husbands, on the other hand, are charged with loving unconditionally (that’s something that comes to us ladies more naturally). They’re even supposed to be willing to die for us. But that’s their own responsibility. We can’t make them do anything.

I’m talking about us women in this blog. And our charge is clear. We must respect, no matter what.

That doesn’t mean we condone obviously wrong actions or allow ourselves to be doormats. But it does mean that we look for every single opportunity to show respect to our men and build them up.

When an addict of any type is shamed, it only pushes them back into their addiction for comfort. Don’t fall into that trap! Be the woman who can’t be resisted because of her kind words and unconditional respect. Pull him towards you and away from his behavior that only leaves him empty. And train yourself to be that woman. Take full responsibility for your own weaknesses, and overcome them. Have grace to forgive yourself, but have no tolerance for sloppy love or respect. This is a war for your marriage, not a war between you and your husband. Fight for your marriage with love and respect, not with arguments and attacks.

One of my friends and I talk about the necessity of giving love and respect “like medicine.” There may be no gushy feelings behind the actions, but we still do the loving thing, the respectful thing, because we know it’s best for us, our husbands, and the marriage.

No matter what your husband is doing, I challenge you to act respectfully towards him anyway. I challenge you to smile and remember what you love about him, what drew you together. Plant seeds of love and respect and you will get the same. Plant seeds of contempt, and … you see my point.

Unconditional respect works. Tell your husband why you respect him today. Then keep doing it. And doing it, And doing it. Amazing shifts can result that may make the difference between your marriage’s survival or ruin.

​Recommended reading: Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

​Let me tell you a story.
 
When I wrote this story for children in 1999, I had no idea what I was getting into. All I knew was that my kindergartener had come home saying she needed a boyfriend because all her girlfriends had one. I knew how to write stories, and so the answer to my frantic prayer that night ("Help!") came in the form of one.
 
Since then, the book has sold over 350,000 copies, and as a classic "fairy tale," will likely be a favorite for generations. It's been presented in every format you can imagine - ballet, expert puppetry, readers' theater, drama and musical, not just here, but in foreign countries as well.
 
But the most recent genre - a documentary - has been an unexpected and delightful surprise.
 
A Courtship is a film by Amy Kohn that presents the story of a young woman who decides that she wants to wait for God to show her a husband instead of looking for one herself. The story begins with The Princess and the Kiss being read to her. She ends up in tears because she's already given her first kiss away, and determines to make a fresh start and save her kiss for the man she will marry.
 
Because her parents think this idea is crazy, she enlists the help of another couple to pray for her and "vet" any guy who might approach her. I don't know the whole story, because only the trailer is available until November 17 (although the movie can be pre-purchased through iTunes right now), but I'm excited to see it.
 
In our hyper-sexualized, hookup culture, some of us recognize that something is sadly out of whack. Shouldn't there be a better way of doing relationships?
 
From the opposite angle, I've been heartbroken over the stories of parents using The Princess as a way to "guilt" their kids into sexual purity, i.e. "If you don't save yourself (or even your actual kiss) until marriage, you're damaged goods."
 
This cruel lie has astonished me. Aren't Christian people saved by grace? How ludicrous it is not to practice that same grace towards our own children! Thus, the ideal of the story must be tempered by the truth of second chances and new beginnings. And that's exactly what the young woman in this story chooses.
 
Though I do not view this strict method of "courting" as the only option for relationships, I'm delighted by the conversation it will create. The way much of society approaches relationships now is chaotic, destructive and selfish. We can do so much better. That's why Planned Purity gives parents other options, begging them to PLAN from a child's youngest years, starting with tending a heart of virtue, reminding them that grace and forgiveness must be practiced as an evolving family strategy is crafted for lives of sexual integrity and respect.

A good friend once told me that there are only two kinds of people, and they can be discerned by the way they walk into a room. One walks into a room and says, “Here I am!” and the other says, “There you are!”

What a perfect way to explain our heart condition. We choose by our actions to be one or the other--the person who sees others, or the person who sees only himself.

Any kind of virtuous living has to do with the decision to be unselfish—to look out for the good of others. In parenting, that means that we can’t just focus on behavior or we won’t get far. The root of the issue is with the heart.

How do we choose an unselfish heart? Well, since humans tend to be self-centered, we need some help from a Power bigger than ourselves—something truly transformative. And then we must accept the responsibility to guard the heart. Everything we do flows out of our heart condition.

Many of us truly want to be unselfish at some level. We want to do good to others, raise good kids, and be good citizens. How do we maintain a life like that?

The heart has five “doors” that we personally govern. We choose what to look at, or how we see things. We choose what and who we listen to. We choose to treat life as sacred and honor others first. We choose what we say. And we choose how to use our hands, our volition, to do good towards others and in the world.

Look at your own choices, and then think about the fact that your life is an instructional video for your children. What choices can you make today that will form both your own heart and theirs? It’s two for the price of one! As you grow a virtuous, pure heart, your child is very likely to follow.

Today, choose how you will look at life. Choose what to listen to, and what to shut out. Choose to honor everyone in your path (even the tough ones). Choose to speak out or keep quiet for the common good. And choose to use your hands, your will, to do right, every time.

What will our days (and future) look like when we set our intentions this way? I think they’re going to be a good ones—both for us and our children.