A good friend once told me that there are only two kinds of people, and they can be discerned by the way they walk into a room. One walks into a room and says, “Here I am!” and the other says, “There you are!”

What a perfect way to explain our heart condition. We choose by our actions to be one or the other--the person who sees others, or the person who sees only himself.

Any kind of virtuous living has to do with the decision to be unselfish—to look out for the good of others. In parenting, that means that we can’t just focus on behavior or we won’t get far. The root of the issue is with the heart.

How do we choose an unselfish heart? Well, since humans tend to be self-centered, we need some help from a Power bigger than ourselves—something truly transformative. And then we must accept the responsibility to guard the heart. Everything we do flows out of our heart condition.

Many of us truly want to be unselfish at some level. We want to do good to others, raise good kids, and be good citizens. How do we maintain a life like that?

The heart has five “doors” that we personally govern. We choose what to look at, or how we see things. We choose what and who we listen to. We choose to treat life as sacred and honor others first. We choose what we say. And we choose how to use our hands, our volition, to do good towards others and in the world.

Look at your own choices, and then think about the fact that your life is an instructional video for your children. What choices can you make today that will form both your own heart and theirs? It’s two for the price of one! As you grow a virtuous, pure heart, your child is very likely to follow.

Today, choose how you will look at life. Choose what to listen to, and what to shut out. Choose to honor everyone in your path (even the tough ones). Choose to speak out or keep quiet for the common good. And choose to use your hands, your will, to do right, every time.

What will our days (and future) look like when we set our intentions this way? I think they’re going to be a good ones—both for us and our children.

Recent news has been focusing on an organization that has spent most of its existence preventing parenthood; however, the entity identifies its service as “planning for parenthood.” I believe it’s a good time for some clarification.

Planning for parenthood happens by developing one’s own character, work ethic, spiritual foundation and health to become an excellent mom or dad. It also makes one more likely to discern those qualities in the person of the opposite gender who will provide the counterpart in parenting a child.

Sexual test drives are NOT the answer to good parenting, and abortion in the event of an “accident” (such an inaccurate word, when it’s clear that the sexual act is meant to result in a baby) destroys the character and emotional well-being of the people involved, as well as the life of a child. Doesn’t it follow, even to the simplest mind, that it will be a long road back to a healthy relationship in both the couple and family after such trauma? Pregnancy is not a disease to be eliminated, but a natural biological event welcoming a new human to the earth, no matter the circumstances.

Sex, pregnancy and parenting are also major responsibilities, so planning for parenthood is vital to success as a family. But the secret to building this great family is planning for purity before parenting even comes to mind.

Purity isn’t sexual abstinence alone and should not imply a need to wear a full-body prophylactic in the sexualized marinade of our culture. Purity is more accurately defined as a condition of the heart. The right heart can navigate a culture that is horribly twisted and even bring back order through powerful love.

A heart and mind that chooses to act out self-gratification, especially at the expense of others (including casual sex partners and innocent children in the womb) needs an overhaul. This transformation comes not from a surgical procedure or a simple decision to “do better,” but a shift in the way we see ourselves. A selfish heart cannot be legislated or outlawed. It is a human condition that can be cured only through brokenness, a confession that our lives are not manageable on our own, and a desperate calling out for something more to be revealed to us. It requires an abyssal humbling.

That spiritual “heart transplant” is the best plan for parenthood. As we consider that our intimacies will result in the creation of a new life, completely dependent upon us for food, clothing, shelter and nurture, we will need an unselfish heart to give up our personal conveniences—for years. We will need the self-control to admit that sex is far from pleasurable alone, to back away from circumstances in which we may be tempted to gratify and run. Sex requires a commitment to one other to be truly “safe,” physically and emotionally, and to build a home environment that is secure as well.

This is not rocket science. It is profound common sense. If we came from a broken family, we know the pain and confusion of that clip, splice and tangle all too well. Certainly we want better for ourselves. If we lived in a healthy family, we are eager to repeat the experience. We long for children and a loving, faithful spouse.

Planning for parenting is much more vital than any organization’s attractive name. And living with a pure heart is the path to building a strong, healthy home with a mom and dad who will live lives of honor and not leave a child at any cost.

Missteps? Oh, yes, there will be plenty, because that is how we learn. It’s part of the plan. But there is opportunity for a fresh start as long as we’re living, for those with the courage to persevere. That is the beauty of real and graphic life, and authentic grace.

Plan for purity—and parenthood—for you and your family. Counseling, conference, book or a raw break-off and new beginning--whatever it takes, do it. You are worth it. Your family is worth it. And so are the children and families to come.

There are new beginnings for us all.