I’ve heard a lot of teens say proudly, “I’m going to stay pure until I’m married!”

What then?

Hmm. Seems no one knows. Well, we know a little. We know we won’t be unfaithful. We know it will finally be okay to have sex.

But we need some more conversation … about the sex we’re going to have, and what we’re waiting for that’s so great, and the requirements of caring for a spouse sexually.

Purity in marriage is about being intentionally, actively sexual.

Should I type that again?

Purity in marriage is about being intentionally, actively sexual.

“Well, of course!” the teen says. “When I get married I get to have sex as much as I want!”

To a point, that’s true. But is marriage simply for sexual license? What about when someone is sick or has a (real) headache? What about birth control practices that one spouse appreciates and the other doesn’t? And what happens if sex becomes a boring “have-to” instead of a joyful “get-to”? (A teenager may not believe that could ever happen, but it happens all the time.) In fact, it’s very likely that the honeymoon isn’t quite that, and that great sex happens with time and practice.

Really.

Sex is an ongoing intimate conversation. Most husbands need it like water. (Wives who don’t have sex regularly aren’t so healthy, either.) And many wives don’t understand how they can devastate a husband by belittling him because of his desires. Husbands forget romance and may make wives feel taken for granted.

Sexual purity in marriage is based on openness, joy, and the freedom to say “please” or “no” from time to time without fear of being misunderstood. And it involves being mature enough to say, “Maybe not tonight because we’re not feeling ready for parenting quite yet.” (Natural Family Planning—so much better than other options!)

Planning to stay pure until marriage? Or for a lifetime, including AFTER marriage? The lifetime goal is only reachable with the understanding of the practice of vibrant, fun, comforting, beautiful, crazy, communicative, active sex with a spouse. Women practice being intentional and available. Men try to be sensitive and keep the romance going. And both have to work at it.

See? There’s a lot more than just “now we can have sex and no one will tell us not to.” Whether that conversation takes place in an ongoing way or a few days before a wedding, it should take place. It’s not always such a perfect transition from abstinence to married sex, or from past experiences to committed marriage.

Our kids deserve some very real conversation in this regard. What’s your plan for passing on this information? (Giving them a book alone is the wrong answer.)

Think about it. What do you wish someone would have told you? It’s part of planning for purity.

I’m on my way to Washington next week to speak at the End Exploitation Summit, and here’s why:

I hate pornography.

I hate how our kids are being informed by images that they can’t avoid in advertising, in games, in commercials, in music videos … and growing up to think THAT’s what sex is all about. I hate that. I hate that marriages are wrecked because of contamination and addictions. I hate, hate, hate that there are so many broken victims.

But although my hatred of porn seems justified, it often extends to the people involved. The pornographers. The men who view it. The women who make it.

And that makes me as impure as the porn I hate.

There is nothing to excuse an industry that feeds on arousal that destroys men, women, children, marriages … none. But there’s also no excuse for a lack of compassion for those who are so deluded as to believe that somehow they’re offering a helpful service, or that women aren’t really affected by making those movies, or that money is more important than goodness. As long as I have no compassion for those individuals, I am just as guilty as they.

Pornography is a pandemic and a deadly drug that can result in devastating addiction. It leads to more harms than we want to imagine. Those objectified by porn lose their sense of personhood. Those trafficked because of the inflamed desires porn feeds are cranked through a system that reduces them to ground meat.

But I don’t want to similarly “grind” the producers, the advertisers, the victims, any of them. I want them to be free. I want them to enjoy their families and the myriad joys of life along with vibrant sexual integrity and practice. I am not, in my heart of hearts, a hater.

But recovery is hard. These deep-seated delusions are difficult to overcome, and society has ignored them for a long time, getting comfortable like the frog in the pot. And there are good organizations working on that part. Which is why I fight from the other end of the problem … and so can you.

We must raise kids who steer clear of porn, starting by teaching them about good care of the heart. Using the Planned Purity® concept of the Five Doors, we can teach them how to guard their heart via their five senses. Starting simply, guarding their innocence, staying engaged and talking and teaching them how to handle the material they are exposed to will raise good kids; kids who love people, and hate porn.

It’s important that they can do both. My mom always said you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. As we learn true compassion, we can both guard ourselves from ugliness and lead others to seek goodness.And that’s what it’s about for me. I want to love people. I really do. And I want to fight evil. I want to do something about it. Now.

So that’s our challenge. We start from scratch and raise ‘em from the ground up. And when we’re beyond that point, we start with what we have and thank God for redemption. There is hope for every single one of us, no matter where we start.

Hate porn. Love people. A mantra for the day. :)

How will your children know best what love between a man and woman looks like?

Duh. :)

The video of your relationship will be what your child watches over and over as they grow. 
What do they see?

Obviously, there ain’t a one of us gonna do it perfectly. And that’s authenticity. We’re not looking for the Cleavers, here. But we do need something attractive … something that draws our kids into seeing marriage as a good thing … something that makes it clear it’s not like what you see on TV … something that makes it better than hookups and promiscuity.

It’s our privilege to present that kind of example, no matter the ages of our children.

What kind of parental relationship do you think would make a child say, “That’s what I want for myself someday?”

Ideas:

• Hugs
• Kisses (followed by “Eeeeeew!” from older kids—be ready to do it again)
  
• Parent dates
  
• Stories about great times and romantic occasions (hold back on unnecessary details—holding hands and looking at each other with a sparkle in the eye)
  
• Holding hands (see above)
  
• Laughter
  
• Silliness
  
• Making up after a disagreement; asking forgiveness
  
• Giving up a right to a decision because of the other’s preference
  
• Regular bedtime with an explanation: “If mommy and daddy have alone time together, it makes them better parents.”
  
• Explanation to a sniggering teenager who has figured out why the bedroom door is closing: “Well, aren’t you smart! See ya in a little while!” (wink)
  
• This is fun. I could go on, but you get it, and you probably have better ones of your own.
  

What did you wish your parents did? What did they do that you are doing? A little assessment never hurt.

Make your children love what you have. And if you’re single, do the same. Make it clear that you can be satisfied, not desperate, and that you love your friends and treat them with integrity. Point out other loving couples, and happy single adults as well.

Married or single, life is beautiful. It doesn’t cost anything to show it, and it helps our kids so much.