I am reading the delightful book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs for the second time, something I almost never do when it comes to books I read for self-help. I believe his coining of the phrase “unconditional respect” is groundbreaking and a key factor in healthy marriages, including my own.

We’ve often heard of “unconditional love.” In fact, I’ve learned that if love is conditional, it really isn’t love at all. It simply makes for a shaky relationship of convenience. Once feelings cool or certain expectations aren’t met, all bets are off. That’s why marriage is a covenant relationship of unconditional love—it’s not meant to be broken. As two bags of sand are poured together and the grains cannot be sorted again, so is marriage meant to be a promise we keep, for better or for worse, in sickness or in health.

That’s a hard promise. But we can make it easier. As wives, a huge key is practicing unconditional respect.

That means just what it says. No excuses. Many of us respond quickly with words like, “How can I respect him when he …?” And truly, if we are in circumstances where abuse is involved, separation may be necessary, at least for a time. But even if separated, we are required to respect. That’s our part of the covenant, and part of our responsibility as people of faith.
Our husbands, on the other hand, are charged with loving unconditionally (that’s something that comes to us ladies more naturally). They’re even supposed to be willing to die for us. But that’s their own responsibility. We can’t make them do anything.

I’m talking about us women in this blog. And our charge is clear. We must respect, no matter what.

That doesn’t mean we condone obviously wrong actions or allow ourselves to be doormats. But it does mean that we look for every single opportunity to show respect to our men and build them up.

When an addict of any type is shamed, it only pushes them back into their addiction for comfort. Don’t fall into that trap! Be the woman who can’t be resisted because of her kind words and unconditional respect. Pull him towards you and away from his behavior that only leaves him empty. And train yourself to be that woman. Take full responsibility for your own weaknesses, and overcome them. Have grace to forgive yourself, but have no tolerance for sloppy love or respect. This is a war for your marriage, not a war between you and your husband. Fight for your marriage with love and respect, not with arguments and attacks.

One of my friends and I talk about the necessity of giving love and respect “like medicine.” There may be no gushy feelings behind the actions, but we still do the loving thing, the respectful thing, because we know it’s best for us, our husbands, and the marriage.

No matter what your husband is doing, I challenge you to act respectfully towards him anyway. I challenge you to smile and remember what you love about him, what drew you together. Plant seeds of love and respect and you will get the same. Plant seeds of contempt, and … you see my point.

Unconditional respect works. Tell your husband why you respect him today. Then keep doing it. And doing it, And doing it. Amazing shifts can result that may make the difference between your marriage’s survival or ruin.

​Recommended reading: Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Some folks have asked why I pursue international missions work. Isn’t there enough to do here at home?

​Do you remember the scene in the old version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas where the Grinch’s poor dog Max pulls a sleigh full of toys from Whoville to the top of Mt. Crumpet … to dump it?

It’s the climax of the story, and as the sleigh hangs impossibly over the edge, slipping bit by bit, the Whos begin to sing their strange and winsome Christmas song. This music transforms the Grinch as he realizes that Christmas is not just about the gifts, but “a little bit more.”

In fact, the Grinch’s heart is changed. Geisel writes that “the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day.” At this point in the animated story, a little x-ray screen appears over the Grinch’s heart, and we see the heart expand until it pops the frame of the x-ray screen apart. The Grinch is imbued with superhuman strength, and picks up the sleigh, turns it around, and rushes back down the mountain to deliver the stolen toys to their owners.

This is what happens to me every time I travel to other countries to share my story and message of purity and the Five Doors of the Heart, to drop off children’s books or do parent conferences or attend rite-of-passage ceremonies.

Entering another culture is a great privilege. As the Grinch found out, it’s transformative. When he tried to force the Whos to operate his way, he was a mean one. But the Whos helped him see something important very differently.

Our last week was spent with the Herrera family (above) in Jinotepe and Granada, Nicaragua. The Herreras are like family to me after three visits and being offered hospitality in their home. I have learned more about what a healthy family looks like from them than any other family I know.

I’ve also been able to encourage them and help with connections to strengthen their wonderful efforts to care for the hungry and care for glue addicts and others without purpose in a country most people don’t even know exists.

This week we are in Managua with girls rescued from garbage dumps at Villa Esperanza, and then we drive to El Salvador’s capitol to attend a rite-of-passage ceremony with 50 girls there. Their church put on a play of The Princess and the Kiss and had a crowd of 800 attend (they expected 200). Then the church leaders decided to pursue doing the Life Lessons follow-up to the children’s story with the girls.

It will be my great honor to attend this event and to speak to the youth and church in San Salvador. My heart will grow another size.

There is no doubt that there is plenty to do at home when it comes to helping people. Unfortunately, America doesn’t have all the answers. Sometimes the greatest wisdom and even help for getting a message across in the States comes from getting OUT of the States for awhile and opening our hearts.

That’s why I keep answering the call to international work. No matter where the good is done, it makes a difference, as we share our own strange, sweet songs that echo across culture. These notes of service and connection strengthen me and my friends in other countries to lift the heavy load of the work we do “at home.”

My heart still has room for lots of sizes. I’m looking forward to snapping the frame of the x-ray screen in San Salvador—again. If your frame has never been broken, I’d strongly suggest the same for you. Getting outside your box may put you in a place you never dreamed of, as you carry burdens you thought you could not, and feel the wind in your hair as you rush down the mountainside, bearing gifts.

​Let me tell you a story.
 
When I wrote this story for children in 1999, I had no idea what I was getting into. All I knew was that my kindergartener had come home saying she needed a boyfriend because all her girlfriends had one. I knew how to write stories, and so the answer to my frantic prayer that night ("Help!") came in the form of one.
 
Since then, the book has sold over 350,000 copies, and as a classic "fairy tale," will likely be a favorite for generations. It's been presented in every format you can imagine - ballet, expert puppetry, readers' theater, drama and musical, not just here, but in foreign countries as well.
 
But the most recent genre - a documentary - has been an unexpected and delightful surprise.
 
A Courtship is a film by Amy Kohn that presents the story of a young woman who decides that she wants to wait for God to show her a husband instead of looking for one herself. The story begins with The Princess and the Kiss being read to her. She ends up in tears because she's already given her first kiss away, and determines to make a fresh start and save her kiss for the man she will marry.
 
Because her parents think this idea is crazy, she enlists the help of another couple to pray for her and "vet" any guy who might approach her. I don't know the whole story, because only the trailer is available until November 17 (although the movie can be pre-purchased through iTunes right now), but I'm excited to see it.
 
In our hyper-sexualized, hookup culture, some of us recognize that something is sadly out of whack. Shouldn't there be a better way of doing relationships?
 
From the opposite angle, I've been heartbroken over the stories of parents using The Princess as a way to "guilt" their kids into sexual purity, i.e. "If you don't save yourself (or even your actual kiss) until marriage, you're damaged goods."
 
This cruel lie has astonished me. Aren't Christian people saved by grace? How ludicrous it is not to practice that same grace towards our own children! Thus, the ideal of the story must be tempered by the truth of second chances and new beginnings. And that's exactly what the young woman in this story chooses.
 
Though I do not view this strict method of "courting" as the only option for relationships, I'm delighted by the conversation it will create. The way much of society approaches relationships now is chaotic, destructive and selfish. We can do so much better. That's why Planned Purity gives parents other options, begging them to PLAN from a child's youngest years, starting with tending a heart of virtue, reminding them that grace and forgiveness must be practiced as an evolving family strategy is crafted for lives of sexual integrity and respect.