At the risk of causing alliterative anxiety, let me say this: Planned Purity is simply proactive parenting.

At the sight of a newborn baby, very few parents think of the importance of forming the child’s heart. Yet this is the key to avoiding so many problems as a full-grown human develops.
We serve meals, we change diapers, we (try to) instigate a sleeping pattern, we potty train, we introduce foods, we teach the use of utensils, proper dress, physical health and even well-being.

But many of us have not been taught to tend a child’s heart. And that is proactive parenting.

By paying attention to all our child’s outer, basic needs, we are not parenting. We could do the same for anyone, or even a pet. But a child needs an internal compass.

Some parents use stories to teach selflessness, the difference between right and wrong, the joy and necessity of serving, how to act honorably, practicing honesty, the purpose and pride that comes from a strong work ethic, etc. There’s much wisdom in this, as it was Jesus’ main way of teaching. His parables can still form good-hearted people today.

Our personal examples, however, are even more powerful—life-changing, in fact.

The Five Doors of the Heart were created to help. What we choose to look at, what we choose to listen to, how we choose to honor life, what we say (or don’t) and how we touch--this input moves through feeding tubes to the heart, creating us from the inside out. As a wise person once put it, there is a black dog and a white dog fighting within. When asked which one was winning, the person replied, “Whichever one I am feeding.”

The Five Doors can be taught in the complete context of Planned Purity. The emphases can be specific to the preschool years, then the elementary years, then the teen years, the single years and/or the married years, preparing us to leave a legacy of goodness, truth and beauty. But without that foundation, we fumble through life, wondering where healthy lines are drawn.

Give your child (and yourself) the gift of a well-tended heart from the time they are small. Don’t despair if they are older. Set the example in yourself now, before it’s too late. Begin with the transformation that can only come from God. Ask him to give you the clean heart to begin with. Then maintain that heart with good choices and a great deal of grace as you ask for forgiveness in times of struggle and failure.

​But give yourself to virtue. Give yourself to truth. And give the same to your children. You will receive the gift of being a less reactive parent with a child that understands the importance of a pure heart and true goodness. Purity works. It’s as simple as that.

I am reading the delightful book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs for the second time, something I almost never do when it comes to books I read for self-help. I believe his coining of the phrase “unconditional respect” is groundbreaking and a key factor in healthy marriages, including my own.

We’ve often heard of “unconditional love.” In fact, I’ve learned that if love is conditional, it really isn’t love at all. It simply makes for a shaky relationship of convenience. Once feelings cool or certain expectations aren’t met, all bets are off. That’s why marriage is a covenant relationship of unconditional love—it’s not meant to be broken. As two bags of sand are poured together and the grains cannot be sorted again, so is marriage meant to be a promise we keep, for better or for worse, in sickness or in health.

That’s a hard promise. But we can make it easier. As wives, a huge key is practicing unconditional respect.

That means just what it says. No excuses. Many of us respond quickly with words like, “How can I respect him when he …?” And truly, if we are in circumstances where abuse is involved, separation may be necessary, at least for a time. But even if separated, we are required to respect. That’s our part of the covenant, and part of our responsibility as people of faith.
Our husbands, on the other hand, are charged with loving unconditionally (that’s something that comes to us ladies more naturally). They’re even supposed to be willing to die for us. But that’s their own responsibility. We can’t make them do anything.

I’m talking about us women in this blog. And our charge is clear. We must respect, no matter what.

That doesn’t mean we condone obviously wrong actions or allow ourselves to be doormats. But it does mean that we look for every single opportunity to show respect to our men and build them up.

When an addict of any type is shamed, it only pushes them back into their addiction for comfort. Don’t fall into that trap! Be the woman who can’t be resisted because of her kind words and unconditional respect. Pull him towards you and away from his behavior that only leaves him empty. And train yourself to be that woman. Take full responsibility for your own weaknesses, and overcome them. Have grace to forgive yourself, but have no tolerance for sloppy love or respect. This is a war for your marriage, not a war between you and your husband. Fight for your marriage with love and respect, not with arguments and attacks.

One of my friends and I talk about the necessity of giving love and respect “like medicine.” There may be no gushy feelings behind the actions, but we still do the loving thing, the respectful thing, because we know it’s best for us, our husbands, and the marriage.

No matter what your husband is doing, I challenge you to act respectfully towards him anyway. I challenge you to smile and remember what you love about him, what drew you together. Plant seeds of love and respect and you will get the same. Plant seeds of contempt, and … you see my point.

Unconditional respect works. Tell your husband why you respect him today. Then keep doing it. And doing it, And doing it. Amazing shifts can result that may make the difference between your marriage’s survival or ruin.

​Recommended reading: Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

A little girl goes to a friend’s home to play. Instead of playing with dolls, the two girls hide away in the closet and watch hard-core porn on the family’s iPad.

Is the fact that the iPad was not password-protected the biggest mistake her parents made?

No.

Smart parents understand that the Internet is a dangerous place for kids. To protect their children’s developing minds, they install filters on their computers and password protect mobile devices.

They may even reach out to other parents to make sure they are doing the same.

Their biggest mistake? To think they’ve done enough.

So if a parent has already installed Internet filters, what else can they do to protect their kids? The answer: Teach them to install their own internal filter.

With more and more kids getting exposed on school computers, an internal filter is crucial.

What's an Internal Filter?

It’s the understanding of what pornography is, how it affects the brain, and an action plan to use when kids are innocently exposed to it.
​
Here are three steps to help your kids install their own filter.

1. Define the word pornography.
2. Explain that viewing pornography can hurt their brain (just like drugs).
3. Give them an action plan to use when they see sexually explicit media.​​​

Define Pornography

​​Some parents shy away from even saying the word pornography, but that just gives it more power. 

Jill Manning, PhD, author of What's the Big Deal About Pornography? A Guide for the Internet Generation and an expert who has testified before Congress on the dangers of pornography, advises parents to define the term so kids are clear about what we want them to avoid.

“Being clear on what pornography is and how to recognize it is the first step to protecting ourselves.”

​Let’s bring this darkness out into the light without apology or shame. For some great tips, check out How to Define Pornography for a 7-Year Old.

​Pornography Can Hurt the Brain

More and more brain research is demonstrating what mental health practitioners already know: viewing pornography can lead to a lifelong addiction that can be more difficult to overcome than addictions to drugs, alcohol or tobacco. And because kids have easy access to the internet, these addictions are beginning younger and younger.

​Recently, Valerie Voon from Cambridge University published the results of a study which showed that pornography addiction leads to the same brain activity as alcoholism or drug abuse. Another study done in Germany documented brain shrinkage in people addicted to pornography. These and many others studies are beginning to show that pornography can damage the brain just like drugs do.

What do your young kids need to know? That just like other drugs, viewing pornography can lead to brain damage and addiction. For more kid-friendly information about how pornography affects the brain (and a child’s freedom), read Hey Kids! Freedom Begins in Your Brain.

Give Your Kids an Action Plan!

This is where you get to help your kids with some specific strategies. Answer these questions to help you devise your family’s porn exposure action plan:

1. When they see it, what should they do immediately? (Shut down the device—it’s good idea to practice this drill.)
2. Who should they tell if they are ever exposed to pornography? (Kids often keep exposure to pornography a secret for a variety of reasons—encourage them to tell you and assure them that they won’t get in trouble.)
3. How can they deal with the memories of the porn exposure that keep popping up? (This is a cognitive skill—for some helpful tips, read Teach Kids Two Ways to “Forget” Porn.)

​If you’d like more ideas to help your kids proactively defend themselves against pornography, check out the best-selling read-aloud book Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids about a mom and dad who teach their child what pornography is, why it’s dangerous, and specifically how to reject it.

​I am convinced of this truth: As we face the dangers of pornography head-on, our kids won’t have to face them alone.

Please share this article with anyone you know who has young children or grandchildren. Thank you!