I am reading the delightful book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs for the second time, something I almost never do when it comes to books I read for self-help. I believe his coining of the phrase “unconditional respect” is groundbreaking and a key factor in healthy marriages, including my own.

We’ve often heard of “unconditional love.” In fact, I’ve learned that if love is conditional, it really isn’t love at all. It simply makes for a shaky relationship of convenience. Once feelings cool or certain expectations aren’t met, all bets are off. That’s why marriage is a covenant relationship of unconditional love—it’s not meant to be broken. As two bags of sand are poured together and the grains cannot be sorted again, so is marriage meant to be a promise we keep, for better or for worse, in sickness or in health.

That’s a hard promise. But we can make it easier. As wives, a huge key is practicing unconditional respect.

That means just what it says. No excuses. Many of us respond quickly with words like, “How can I respect him when he …?” And truly, if we are in circumstances where abuse is involved, separation may be necessary, at least for a time. But even if separated, we are required to respect. That’s our part of the covenant, and part of our responsibility as people of faith.
Our husbands, on the other hand, are charged with loving unconditionally (that’s something that comes to us ladies more naturally). They’re even supposed to be willing to die for us. But that’s their own responsibility. We can’t make them do anything.

I’m talking about us women in this blog. And our charge is clear. We must respect, no matter what.

That doesn’t mean we condone obviously wrong actions or allow ourselves to be doormats. But it does mean that we look for every single opportunity to show respect to our men and build them up.

When an addict of any type is shamed, it only pushes them back into their addiction for comfort. Don’t fall into that trap! Be the woman who can’t be resisted because of her kind words and unconditional respect. Pull him towards you and away from his behavior that only leaves him empty. And train yourself to be that woman. Take full responsibility for your own weaknesses, and overcome them. Have grace to forgive yourself, but have no tolerance for sloppy love or respect. This is a war for your marriage, not a war between you and your husband. Fight for your marriage with love and respect, not with arguments and attacks.

One of my friends and I talk about the necessity of giving love and respect “like medicine.” There may be no gushy feelings behind the actions, but we still do the loving thing, the respectful thing, because we know it’s best for us, our husbands, and the marriage.

No matter what your husband is doing, I challenge you to act respectfully towards him anyway. I challenge you to smile and remember what you love about him, what drew you together. Plant seeds of love and respect and you will get the same. Plant seeds of contempt, and … you see my point.

Unconditional respect works. Tell your husband why you respect him today. Then keep doing it. And doing it, And doing it. Amazing shifts can result that may make the difference between your marriage’s survival or ruin.

​Recommended reading: Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Have you shown your child a video featuring them when they were younger? How young? How about when they were in the womb?

Nothing says we have to launch into a “sex talk” when our kids ask about a baby’s beginnings. But we have the opportunity and responsibility in our hyper-sexualized culture to share what we can—before the culture does, building bridges to and foundations for more intimate conversations in the future.

For example:

• Babies grow in the mother’s uterus, not her tummy. It’s helpful to know that the baby isn’t growing in the same place that food goes. Uterus is a big, funny, word. Your child will love it!
• Just a single picture of a baby in the womb can open an entire conversation: “That’s just what happened to you!”
• Videos or presentations are available online that show the incredible process of a sperm and egg combining and developing into a fully developed baby. Parents and children can watch together in wonder, beginning at any point of development, or stopping to admire any stage.
• Teaching the accurate names for private parts of the body matter-of-factly protects a child from shame. It also opens the path for a discussion about modesty and why we let other moms and dads tell their children about their own bodies. (If a friend asks a question about private matters, we could teach our child to say, “Ask your mom or dad. That’s who I talk to.”)

Yes, more questions may follow. We can consider how to answer them very simply and factually, beginning with the important starter, “What do you think?” so we know what our child is really concerned about. But our answers may also be, “I don’t know, but I can find out. Isn’t it amazing?” And that may be enough (and give you time to do your homework.)

The point is to show a child that life is a beautiful miracle as well as a series of biological events. It also introduces them to their own personal history. They are unlike anyone else who is or ever was, and they are worth more than anything money can buy.

Making the human body an unforgettable part of your child’s early training not only feeds their curiosity, but keeps them looking to you as a source of information and introduces them gradually to deeper or more intimate subjects as they grow emotionally. They will remember your time together, and the wonder and the safety they felt as they asked questions.

Whether you know it or not, you are the expert. Your child is looking to you first and foremost for this information. Beat the culture to it. Train your child to know the facts and build early bridges to talks about sex and integrity as they grow. It all starts with the moments when they discover you are a non-judgmental and trusted source of accurate information.

“How are babies made, Dad?”

“Wow, that’s a great question! I’m glad you asked. Want to watch a video about it with me?”

You’ve got this, Mom and Dad. Conversation by conversation. Easy-peasy.

Hey, you, beloved ones who had as much to do with the resulting children as we did: Maybe you’ve been told all your life you’re not as verbally equipped as the girls. But you still can communicate with the kids when it comes to building foundations for responsible relationships and sexuality. It’s actually your job, and it can be accomplished with or without words.

1.     The way you treat mom is the way your son and daughter will know how to treat or be treated as a man or woman. The way you speak, pull out a chair, plan a date, spend time … or don’t … is their training video for interaction now and when they start to date.

2.     Shop with your sons and daughters. Tell your girl what’s pretty and what’s too short or too tight (respectfully, gently, firmly). Tell your son how to dress with style, class and practicality. Your input will make a deeper impact than mom’s.

3.     Set boundaries on technology. Protect the family from pornography and related explicit material, including those that teach violence or disrespect. Don’t use tech as a babysitter. Know what your kids are watching. Watch and use tech with them. Be in their world.

4.     Know your kids’ friends. Especially those of the opposite sex. Very well.

5.     Don’t pass off the spiritual development to Mom. This may seem like a touchy-feely kind of thing, but matters of right and wrong and spiritual practices are way more “sticky” when dad practices them and requires family participation.

6.     Help with the housework. Yes, you may come home tired, but don’t just plop on the couch for the night. Show your kids what practical love looks like.

7.     Do your part in the “awkward” conversations. Yes, the “words” part. The woman’s perspective isn’t complete without the man’s. At an age-appropriate level, give your two cents, briefly, intentionally. You can do it.

8.     Date your daughter. Show her how an honorable man treats a lady. Do man things with your son. Give him purpose and teach him the value of hard work.

9.     Show affection to mom and your kids, often. Each one needs hugs, fist-bumps, loving phrases and smiles. It’s free. It’s really important. And it fills a love-tank that could otherwise be hungry and receive inappropriate affection.

10.     Pray. This thing is bigger than you and mom together. Be courageous enough to ask help from a higher source.