Have you shown your child a video featuring them when they were younger? How young? How about when they were in the womb?

Nothing says we have to launch into a “sex talk” when our kids ask about a baby’s beginnings. But we have the opportunity and responsibility in our hyper-sexualized culture to share what we can—before the culture does, building bridges to and foundations for more intimate conversations in the future.

For example:

• Babies grow in the mother’s uterus, not her tummy. It’s helpful to know that the baby isn’t growing in the same place that food goes. Uterus is a big, funny, word. Your child will love it!
• Just a single picture of a baby in the womb can open an entire conversation: “That’s just what happened to you!”
• Videos or presentations are available online that show the incredible process of a sperm and egg combining and developing into a fully developed baby. Parents and children can watch together in wonder, beginning at any point of development, or stopping to admire any stage.
• Teaching the accurate names for private parts of the body matter-of-factly protects a child from shame. It also opens the path for a discussion about modesty and why we let other moms and dads tell their children about their own bodies. (If a friend asks a question about private matters, we could teach our child to say, “Ask your mom or dad. That’s who I talk to.”)

Yes, more questions may follow. We can consider how to answer them very simply and factually, beginning with the important starter, “What do you think?” so we know what our child is really concerned about. But our answers may also be, “I don’t know, but I can find out. Isn’t it amazing?” And that may be enough (and give you time to do your homework.)

The point is to show a child that life is a beautiful miracle as well as a series of biological events. It also introduces them to their own personal history. They are unlike anyone else who is or ever was, and they are worth more than anything money can buy.

Making the human body an unforgettable part of your child’s early training not only feeds their curiosity, but keeps them looking to you as a source of information and introduces them gradually to deeper or more intimate subjects as they grow emotionally. They will remember your time together, and the wonder and the safety they felt as they asked questions.

Whether you know it or not, you are the expert. Your child is looking to you first and foremost for this information. Beat the culture to it. Train your child to know the facts and build early bridges to talks about sex and integrity as they grow. It all starts with the moments when they discover you are a non-judgmental and trusted source of accurate information.

“How are babies made, Dad?”

“Wow, that’s a great question! I’m glad you asked. Want to watch a video about it with me?”

You’ve got this, Mom and Dad. Conversation by conversation. Easy-peasy.

This week a local gathering was held with a child expert who mentioned the distressing fact that many parents are not speaking to their young children about sexuality at all. They don't have a plan except waiting until the teen years, or until trouble arises.

What happens in the meantime? 

Advertising, explicit music and videos, sexually charged sitcoms, Planned Parenthood and Google searches linked to deviant behavior fill in the blanks, daily, with inaccurate and even shocking material. Our silence leads our kids to find answers elsewhere. Their understanding of sexuality is formed by a culture where pornography is mainstream, and their sense of modesty, respect and privacy is numbed, sometimes irreparably.

So if we need to start talking now, what do we say? 

• Start with a smile. Welcome your child's questions. If the question relates to something sexual, remember that the body and sexuality are beautiful. Your child is curious. Honor their curiosity with a welcoming demeanor, and keep answers brief.
• Start with the facts. And JUST the facts ... in the context of the events of everyday life. Teach the accurate names of body parts, and answer questions simply, matter-of-factly. (Scripts in Planned Purity for parents below can help!)
• Start with the heart. Focus on the formation of virtue and character. Conversations about character and unselfishness naturally build bridges to discussions about sexual integrity as a child grows.

The five senses (what we call the Five Doors) are our children's windows to the world, but also the key to maintaining hearts of virtue. When kids learn that they can choose to open or close these "doors" to keep their hearts clean, a conversation begins. From there, an engaged parent can open discussions of sexuality naturally, over time, instead of being squeezed into one impossible "big talk."

Don't be silent anymore. Your child is already being taught. The question is, by whom? Let it be you, always.

Start now, and start with the heart. PARENTS have the power to keep children safe.

I’m more and more distressed by the “modesty wars” and “modesty snobbery” going on. As always, modesty is a heart issue, as much for the person doing the wearing as for the person doing the observing. 

A man is responsible for his eyes and how he looks at a woman—as an object or a person. A woman has the same responsibility, especially as she comments on other women’s modesty. 

The heart of a critical woman may be far more selfish than the “immodest” woman being commented upon.

I don’t believe modesty is about strict wardrobe rules. Why?

• Everybody’s bodies aren’t the same.
  Some women have cleavage up to their neck. Others don’t have any at all. Neither is better. Both are beautiful. Dress according to what you may advertise. (It’s hard to pay attention to someone talking when their breasts are over-exposed.) Legs are different, so “fingertip length” will look very different from one gal to the next. Consider where you want others to look.
  

• Everybody’s living circumstances aren’t the same.
  Some live at the beach. It’s hot there. Swimsuits are the norm. The sun feels good. “Modest bikinis” can be practical—but they don’t cover any more than underwear does, and it would be wise not to forget the fact. Consider the appropriateness of wearing them at the beach vs. walking into Walmart.
  

• All occasions aren’t the same.
  Obviously, going to the beach calls for different apparel than going to a funeral. And working in the garden calls for leaning over that isn’t necessary at a nice dinner function. Elegant apparel calls for more elegant manners.
  
  A group of women who had breasts removed due to cancer did a photo shoot to make a statement about what was “beautiful” for them. Some viewers called the women courageous; others called them immodest. Can we decide for woman in such a position, fighting for such a cause? Just a question.

• All cultures aren’t the same.
  Some African women don’t cover their breasts at all, and that is acceptable in their society. Muslim women cover themselves from head to toe. Between those extremes, there are many levels of modesty and many perspectives on what is appropriate. Often overseas missions efforts require T-shirt coverage and long skirts, which is respectful to the local culture. The key seems to be how we respect others and how we value ourselves, not a crazy-strict set of standards.
  

• All attitudes aren’t the same.
  The same person can wear the same clothes and look modest or immodest, just because of his/her eyes. A geisha who is completely covered can capture a man’s glance with a turn of her wrist as she serves tea.
  
  Carriage speaks loudly, too. We often forget the value of poise, which is good for the body as well as the reputation. We were made to stand straight up. If we sit with our legs open in a short skirt, we are inviting stares. If we slouch, our necklines gape. It’s just good manners to plan and practice poise accordingly.

None of these aspects of modesty fit within a strict wardrobe plan. Even what I share here has limits and exceptions. Modesty is not black and white.

We are more than bodies. We have brains. We need less blaming and shaming and more common sense. We deserve respect, no matter our clothing choices.

Dressing appropriately, being reasonably modest, and having grace towards each other keeps our hearts in order and keeps us from unhealthy comparisons.

Look beyond the clothes to the person. What does the person need? How can we build a bridge to “see” them instead of avoiding them because of their wrapping or lack thereof?

If purity is about the heart first, let’s start there. Are we prepared to walk with others no matter their choices in clothing? That is the key question that reveals the purity of our hearts.