At the risk of causing alliterative anxiety, let me say this: Planned Purity is simply proactive parenting.

At the sight of a newborn baby, very few parents think of the importance of forming the child’s heart. Yet this is the key to avoiding so many problems as a full-grown human develops.
We serve meals, we change diapers, we (try to) instigate a sleeping pattern, we potty train, we introduce foods, we teach the use of utensils, proper dress, physical health and even well-being.

But many of us have not been taught to tend a child’s heart. And that is proactive parenting.

By paying attention to all our child’s outer, basic needs, we are not parenting. We could do the same for anyone, or even a pet. But a child needs an internal compass.

Some parents use stories to teach selflessness, the difference between right and wrong, the joy and necessity of serving, how to act honorably, practicing honesty, the purpose and pride that comes from a strong work ethic, etc. There’s much wisdom in this, as it was Jesus’ main way of teaching. His parables can still form good-hearted people today.

Our personal examples, however, are even more powerful—life-changing, in fact.

The Five Doors of the Heart were created to help. What we choose to look at, what we choose to listen to, how we choose to honor life, what we say (or don’t) and how we touch--this input moves through feeding tubes to the heart, creating us from the inside out. As a wise person once put it, there is a black dog and a white dog fighting within. When asked which one was winning, the person replied, “Whichever one I am feeding.”

The Five Doors can be taught in the complete context of Planned Purity. The emphases can be specific to the preschool years, then the elementary years, then the teen years, the single years and/or the married years, preparing us to leave a legacy of goodness, truth and beauty. But without that foundation, we fumble through life, wondering where healthy lines are drawn.

Give your child (and yourself) the gift of a well-tended heart from the time they are small. Don’t despair if they are older. Set the example in yourself now, before it’s too late. Begin with the transformation that can only come from God. Ask him to give you the clean heart to begin with. Then maintain that heart with good choices and a great deal of grace as you ask for forgiveness in times of struggle and failure.

​But give yourself to virtue. Give yourself to truth. And give the same to your children. You will receive the gift of being a less reactive parent with a child that understands the importance of a pure heart and true goodness. Purity works. It’s as simple as that.

A little girl goes to a friend’s home to play. Instead of playing with dolls, the two girls hide away in the closet and watch hard-core porn on the family’s iPad.

Is the fact that the iPad was not password-protected the biggest mistake her parents made?

No.

Smart parents understand that the Internet is a dangerous place for kids. To protect their children’s developing minds, they install filters on their computers and password protect mobile devices.

They may even reach out to other parents to make sure they are doing the same.

Their biggest mistake? To think they’ve done enough.

So if a parent has already installed Internet filters, what else can they do to protect their kids? The answer: Teach them to install their own internal filter.

With more and more kids getting exposed on school computers, an internal filter is crucial.

What's an Internal Filter?

It’s the understanding of what pornography is, how it affects the brain, and an action plan to use when kids are innocently exposed to it.
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Here are three steps to help your kids install their own filter.

1. Define the word pornography.
2. Explain that viewing pornography can hurt their brain (just like drugs).
3. Give them an action plan to use when they see sexually explicit media.​​​

Define Pornography

​​Some parents shy away from even saying the word pornography, but that just gives it more power. 

Jill Manning, PhD, author of What's the Big Deal About Pornography? A Guide for the Internet Generation and an expert who has testified before Congress on the dangers of pornography, advises parents to define the term so kids are clear about what we want them to avoid.

“Being clear on what pornography is and how to recognize it is the first step to protecting ourselves.”

​Let’s bring this darkness out into the light without apology or shame. For some great tips, check out How to Define Pornography for a 7-Year Old.

​Pornography Can Hurt the Brain

More and more brain research is demonstrating what mental health practitioners already know: viewing pornography can lead to a lifelong addiction that can be more difficult to overcome than addictions to drugs, alcohol or tobacco. And because kids have easy access to the internet, these addictions are beginning younger and younger.

​Recently, Valerie Voon from Cambridge University published the results of a study which showed that pornography addiction leads to the same brain activity as alcoholism or drug abuse. Another study done in Germany documented brain shrinkage in people addicted to pornography. These and many others studies are beginning to show that pornography can damage the brain just like drugs do.

What do your young kids need to know? That just like other drugs, viewing pornography can lead to brain damage and addiction. For more kid-friendly information about how pornography affects the brain (and a child’s freedom), read Hey Kids! Freedom Begins in Your Brain.

Give Your Kids an Action Plan!

This is where you get to help your kids with some specific strategies. Answer these questions to help you devise your family’s porn exposure action plan:

1. When they see it, what should they do immediately? (Shut down the device—it’s good idea to practice this drill.)
2. Who should they tell if they are ever exposed to pornography? (Kids often keep exposure to pornography a secret for a variety of reasons—encourage them to tell you and assure them that they won’t get in trouble.)
3. How can they deal with the memories of the porn exposure that keep popping up? (This is a cognitive skill—for some helpful tips, read Teach Kids Two Ways to “Forget” Porn.)

​If you’d like more ideas to help your kids proactively defend themselves against pornography, check out the best-selling read-aloud book Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids about a mom and dad who teach their child what pornography is, why it’s dangerous, and specifically how to reject it.

​I am convinced of this truth: As we face the dangers of pornography head-on, our kids won’t have to face them alone.

Please share this article with anyone you know who has young children or grandchildren. Thank you!

A good friend once told me that there are only two kinds of people, and they can be discerned by the way they walk into a room. One walks into a room and says, “Here I am!” and the other says, “There you are!”

What a perfect way to explain our heart condition. We choose by our actions to be one or the other--the person who sees others, or the person who sees only himself.

Any kind of virtuous living has to do with the decision to be unselfish—to look out for the good of others. In parenting, that means that we can’t just focus on behavior or we won’t get far. The root of the issue is with the heart.

How do we choose an unselfish heart? Well, since humans tend to be self-centered, we need some help from a Power bigger than ourselves—something truly transformative. And then we must accept the responsibility to guard the heart. Everything we do flows out of our heart condition.

Many of us truly want to be unselfish at some level. We want to do good to others, raise good kids, and be good citizens. How do we maintain a life like that?

The heart has five “doors” that we personally govern. We choose what to look at, or how we see things. We choose what and who we listen to. We choose to treat life as sacred and honor others first. We choose what we say. And we choose how to use our hands, our volition, to do good towards others and in the world.

Look at your own choices, and then think about the fact that your life is an instructional video for your children. What choices can you make today that will form both your own heart and theirs? It’s two for the price of one! As you grow a virtuous, pure heart, your child is very likely to follow.

Today, choose how you will look at life. Choose what to listen to, and what to shut out. Choose to honor everyone in your path (even the tough ones). Choose to speak out or keep quiet for the common good. And choose to use your hands, your will, to do right, every time.

What will our days (and future) look like when we set our intentions this way? I think they’re going to be a good ones—both for us and our children.