Recent news has been focusing on an organization that has spent most of its existence preventing parenthood; however, the entity identifies its service as “planning for parenthood.” I believe it’s a good time for some clarification.

Planning for parenthood happens by developing one’s own character, work ethic, spiritual foundation and health to become an excellent mom or dad. It also makes one more likely to discern those qualities in the person of the opposite gender who will provide the counterpart in parenting a child.

Sexual test drives are NOT the answer to good parenting, and abortion in the event of an “accident” (such an inaccurate word, when it’s clear that the sexual act is meant to result in a baby) destroys the character and emotional well-being of the people involved, as well as the life of a child. Doesn’t it follow, even to the simplest mind, that it will be a long road back to a healthy relationship in both the couple and family after such trauma? Pregnancy is not a disease to be eliminated, but a natural biological event welcoming a new human to the earth, no matter the circumstances.

Sex, pregnancy and parenting are also major responsibilities, so planning for parenthood is vital to success as a family. But the secret to building this great family is planning for purity before parenting even comes to mind.

Purity isn’t sexual abstinence alone and should not imply a need to wear a full-body prophylactic in the sexualized marinade of our culture. Purity is more accurately defined as a condition of the heart. The right heart can navigate a culture that is horribly twisted and even bring back order through powerful love.

A heart and mind that chooses to act out self-gratification, especially at the expense of others (including casual sex partners and innocent children in the womb) needs an overhaul. This transformation comes not from a surgical procedure or a simple decision to “do better,” but a shift in the way we see ourselves. A selfish heart cannot be legislated or outlawed. It is a human condition that can be cured only through brokenness, a confession that our lives are not manageable on our own, and a desperate calling out for something more to be revealed to us. It requires an abyssal humbling.

That spiritual “heart transplant” is the best plan for parenthood. As we consider that our intimacies will result in the creation of a new life, completely dependent upon us for food, clothing, shelter and nurture, we will need an unselfish heart to give up our personal conveniences—for years. We will need the self-control to admit that sex is far from pleasurable alone, to back away from circumstances in which we may be tempted to gratify and run. Sex requires a commitment to one other to be truly “safe,” physically and emotionally, and to build a home environment that is secure as well.

This is not rocket science. It is profound common sense. If we came from a broken family, we know the pain and confusion of that clip, splice and tangle all too well. Certainly we want better for ourselves. If we lived in a healthy family, we are eager to repeat the experience. We long for children and a loving, faithful spouse.

Planning for parenting is much more vital than any organization’s attractive name. And living with a pure heart is the path to building a strong, healthy home with a mom and dad who will live lives of honor and not leave a child at any cost.

Missteps? Oh, yes, there will be plenty, because that is how we learn. It’s part of the plan. But there is opportunity for a fresh start as long as we’re living, for those with the courage to persevere. That is the beauty of real and graphic life, and authentic grace.

Plan for purity—and parenthood—for you and your family. Counseling, conference, book or a raw break-off and new beginning--whatever it takes, do it. You are worth it. Your family is worth it. And so are the children and families to come.

There are new beginnings for us all.

Have you shown your child a video featuring them when they were younger? How young? How about when they were in the womb?

Nothing says we have to launch into a “sex talk” when our kids ask about a baby’s beginnings. But we have the opportunity and responsibility in our hyper-sexualized culture to share what we can—before the culture does, building bridges to and foundations for more intimate conversations in the future.

For example:

• Babies grow in the mother’s uterus, not her tummy. It’s helpful to know that the baby isn’t growing in the same place that food goes. Uterus is a big, funny, word. Your child will love it!
• Just a single picture of a baby in the womb can open an entire conversation: “That’s just what happened to you!”
• Videos or presentations are available online that show the incredible process of a sperm and egg combining and developing into a fully developed baby. Parents and children can watch together in wonder, beginning at any point of development, or stopping to admire any stage.
• Teaching the accurate names for private parts of the body matter-of-factly protects a child from shame. It also opens the path for a discussion about modesty and why we let other moms and dads tell their children about their own bodies. (If a friend asks a question about private matters, we could teach our child to say, “Ask your mom or dad. That’s who I talk to.”)

Yes, more questions may follow. We can consider how to answer them very simply and factually, beginning with the important starter, “What do you think?” so we know what our child is really concerned about. But our answers may also be, “I don’t know, but I can find out. Isn’t it amazing?” And that may be enough (and give you time to do your homework.)

The point is to show a child that life is a beautiful miracle as well as a series of biological events. It also introduces them to their own personal history. They are unlike anyone else who is or ever was, and they are worth more than anything money can buy.

Making the human body an unforgettable part of your child’s early training not only feeds their curiosity, but keeps them looking to you as a source of information and introduces them gradually to deeper or more intimate subjects as they grow emotionally. They will remember your time together, and the wonder and the safety they felt as they asked questions.

Whether you know it or not, you are the expert. Your child is looking to you first and foremost for this information. Beat the culture to it. Train your child to know the facts and build early bridges to talks about sex and integrity as they grow. It all starts with the moments when they discover you are a non-judgmental and trusted source of accurate information.

“How are babies made, Dad?”

“Wow, that’s a great question! I’m glad you asked. Want to watch a video about it with me?”

You’ve got this, Mom and Dad. Conversation by conversation. Easy-peasy.

Failure is part of how we learn. The earlier we come to terms with that, the better we’ll do. The quicker we learn to brush ourselves off, make restitution, and move on, the quicker we’ll find a better option.

As a parent, it’s not always easy, though. Watching your child fail is painful. And as they get older, there’s a tendency to take it personally. DON’T. Your child is still learning and so are you. (If you’re not experiencing failures any longer, let me know—I’d like to hear how you tell THAT story.)

Thus, it’s easy to see our kids do something surprising, disappointing, or outright wrong and think they’ve gone off the deep end—or WE have. We’ve failed as parents, they’ve failed as our children … and in no area is this more important than in the pursuit of purity.

What if your child “fails”? What if they look at porn, send a sext, sneak out of the house, get drunk (while they’re underage), have premarital sex? Chances are, they will. In our culture, it’s very rarely a question of “if.”

So when your angelic child totally changes things up, remind yourself that they are learning. It will help you calm down and not take it personally. Then take a deep breath, and DON’T say …

1.     “I can’t believe you did this!” Really? Maybe you’ve been raising something other than a human being. People are curious. One of your repeated “nos” may likely result in some kind of “I wonder if it’s really that bad” curiosity. And some personalities just have to touch the stove because they’re not sure it’s TRULY hot and will send them to the ER for burn treatment. And burn treatment, though painful, is a powerful lesson learned.

2.     “How could you?” Again, congratulations. You have a real human on your hands. They could because they so wanted to know what it was like. They wanted to experience it. Isn’t that what real living is? Pretty valuable in a low-touch, high-tech culture, even if the results aren’t what we expect. And those results teach a lesson when we seek to engage and talk it over.

3.     Scream, yell and curse. Reinforces the popular belief that parents are crazy or know very little. Breathe. Walk away. Explain that you need to get your emotions in check before you say more. Remind yourself that the same tiny, innocent baby you brought home is still in there somewhere.

4.     Say nothing. Only if you want them to think you condone their behavior, or don’t care. Your child needs and wants your input. Believe it or not, studies show that your child would rather hear the truth from you than any other source. Now is your chance! Seek to understand and then instruct.

5.     “Don’t you have a brain in your head?!” Yes, they do! And it’s probably developing normally. Give it some time. The pre-frontal cortex is still finishing up its development at 24 or 25.

At the point when your child does something hard for you to handle, remember: this is your greatest opportunity to do something positive for them. Not that there won’t be consequences. But there should be mature conversation first, led by a (supposedly mature) adult who is holding back on the emotion and seeking to understand.

And by the way, I can only write this post because I’ve said ALL these wrong things. 52 and still failing. Still learning.

AND NOW:

Some right things:

“I’m really proud of you for being honest enough to tell me.”

“I can see you’re really curious about that. Let’s make some time to talk about it.”

“Wow, that’s intense. I’m not sure what to say except to remind you that I love you no matter what. Can you tell me about what happened?” (Never assume you know exactly what happened. You almost never do.)

“You’re mature enough to be ready to learn about this. Can you tell me what you know and what you’d like to know?”

And the no-brainer: “I love you. Always. No matter what.”